A very deep, very long sigh...
It is very hard to find meaning in my life when everything I've tried in the past has failed. My brother just visited me because I didn't pick up the phone when he kept calling. I didn't pick up the phone because I didn't want to talk to him. I asked for $80 at the beginning of April but I didn't ask for it as a loan simply because I didn't know if the $80 dollars was going to turn in to more than just a waste of money. That $80 was to purchase the domain name for this site as well as pay for the VPS. It is embarrassing having to ask for help but since I can remember, that's all I've ever done. I asked for their help because I knew they could afford it, but instead of saying no. They said absolutely nothing.
My brother called me a couple of weeks later to see how I was doing and when I told him his wife never replied to me about the money he just casually said: "I don't know if we're ever going to get that money back.", so I just hung up and had not talked to him since. I knew they are in town today but I don't want anything to do with them anymore. Not until I get my own shit together first. Not until I am able to carry my own weight. He said: "Get dressed so we can go get something to eat." and I reminded him that I don't have money for eating out. He then proceeded to tell me he doesn't understand what my problem with him is right now. So, let me tell you.
My wife left me in 2014. Her sister happens to be my brother's wife. No, there is no blood relationship. When my wife left me, her parents helped her with bills. I had nothing. I was already self-employed at that time and the money was never great. While we were still together I didn't get the support from the family either and I was now at a time in my life where I felt like a total failure. Not only, was I not able to stay with my wife, but I was also struggling in business. I was not making nearly enough money to support myself and my 3 kids. It has been downhill since then for multiple reasons. Maybe I will get into more detail about that later.
My brother and his wife have been living rent-free for the past 7 years and even if their rent had been $800 / month on a 4 bedroom giant house with a big backyard, a garage and a heated goddamn pool that is still $67,000 in rent. They have a one-year-old son and she is pregnant with their second child. They have gone on many cruises and traveled quite a bit. I don't blame them, but it is painfully obvious that they really have not faced my struggles and are completely clueless as to why I reacted to the silence the way I reacted.
I am completely alone. I live with a friend in a house that is too small for me to have the kids with me. I get $340/month from welfare that is supposed to cover my basic needs. I have a truck that I needed for work that I owe too much money on to be able to sell it and when I still had insurance on it, it cost me $500/month before I put any gas in it. I am currently waiting for disability to give me good news because of my depression. Even though I said it is hard to find meaning in my life, I do not want anybody to worry about me. I have 5 kids and I am working on my website and other projects including 3D modeling, programming (app development) and video editing. I even had a fast enough computer to do all of the above and possibly make my living working from home but the computer is broken now and the laptop I am using is just not fast enough for everything I want to do.
I am trying to find happiness in small things but sometimes simply getting out of the bed is a struggle. The fear of failure and lack of support are holding me back much more than they should and my inability to make enough money to cover my own bills seem to be shadowing any moment of joy I happen to stumble across. Anyway, I am going to sign off now. If you read the whole thing, please do leave me a word either in the forums or on Twitter.
Thanks for your support,
P.S. Even though I am really just looking for words of encouragement and mental support in the two links above, here are the links to the "Laptop purchase pool CA$2000" that you can chip in to help me get that laptop that is fast enough. I promised to refund the money from this pool if the goal is not met so if you want to help me with money towards other things, here is my PayPal.me link.